GAY MEN & TEENAGE GIRLS
From HIGH CLASS POVERTY Comedy Tour
Tampa Fl show
With all do respect to my other material, this is the funniest clip on this website.
THE DEATH OF THE LEFT
I see them every time I shop at whole foods. The people who want to convince us all they care about gay rights and animal rights and the environment. But really what they care about are their facials, waxing, spa visits, vacation pictures, and social networking status. And the men are just PUSSIES. Metro sexual types who have watched too much television programming and therefore think that it is necessary to look homosexual to attract the opposite sex. These plastic spoons were, despite the rain, trying to look fashionable for each other. And they are all miserable, or at least they seem miserable. What are they miserable about? They are all rich. These are not whole people, no wonder they need whole foods. If you go across town to FOOD FOR LESS, and see all the Mexicans and poor white people shopping, and a few are also definitely miserable, but most of them are happy . There is a Mexican family. One mother, 4 foot 11, 275 pounds, and between 5 to 7 children and they all seem happy. They are buying 12 pounds of cheese for $2.99. That cheese is poisoned but they’ll make it through it and probably live to 80 or 100 and each of their kids will have seven kids. Meanwhile, the half people at whole foods are wondering if they set the DVR to record the Grammys’. I can stomach all of this barely. What I can’t handle is how these people pretend to laugh at polite things. That truly makes me sick… Or even if they are REALLY laughing… Wherever that reflex to let out such a weak laugh comes from. Something about that makes me ill.
FAKE LIBERAL Vs. THE REDNECK
From HIGH CLASS PVERTY Comedy Tour
Tampa Fl show
Ever wonder why some comedians seem like soft ass bitches?
All shiny hype and little payoff?
Well, sometimes they just are! But often it’s because just getting laughs is hard enough, taking a risk to say something you actually mean might get you looked at funny. Now lump on top of that being the closing act of the night at a show honoring legends? This particular show turned out great. However, it took a while.
I thought I’d show you the “took awhile” part.
I know I like it.
DINNER THEATER FOR THE RICH
VCC Awards, honoring Jane Lynch and the President of HBO. Hosted by Dana Gould.
Ya know, sometimes, there are things that are hard to put into words. Other times, there are things better to be said out loud than written about.
The experience of this current tour are both of those. I started this concept tour in early 2012 and had a couple friend/fool/promoters attempt to book live comedy shows around the country. It never went badly but the money was always shit.
This time around things were different.
- Different cities.
- Better contracts.
- No Comedy Clubs.
- No Sports Bars.
- Fewer shows but in performing arts centers.
- Better people to work with, and more of them.
Unfortunately, however, it was all taking place in Florida.
I started doing stand up in Florida. It was bad back then. The years had not made it any better.
I went two weeks prior to the first show to be around for publicity and to make sure everything went off right and was promoted properly. The thing I overlooked was that in that two weeks I was going to have to get on stage and do some shows to keep my motor going so I would be ready for my shows.
First of all, there are not that many places to go on stage in Florida. Also, they are separated by more distance than me going 4 blocks through Hollywood and doing 2 shows in one night.
And like all freakishly insecure comedy joints, they are desperately protecting their stage from anyone and anything unfamiliar.
So the first week I go to 3 or 4 of these joints. I know I’ll have a hot set or two and get my rythymn and then I’d feel good and just chill till the first show. This was my current experience when preparing for the bigger stage with the little stages. This time it did not happen at all.
Every new little stage I hit was it’s own unique nightmare. Coffee houses, clubs, open mics, it really didn’t matter. They were all equally terrible. This is the part that is hard to describe in words and even harder to write instead of speak.
But I will try…
Even in the the lowest places of these low places, I was put on the worst parts of the shows. When all the regular amateurs had had their moment trying to impress the other amateurs with their new observations about dating and traffic. Then it was my turn. Even they had all gone to smoke or jack off.
Everywhere it was worse. I went to a comedy club that I had worked in the past on several occasions.
They smiled, greeting me as an old friend. However, maybe they were mad at me for bypassing their toilet for better prospects because when the show began I was brought right up before the host even told a joke and made to be the room’s warm up for local hacks who would follow me after. I got to warm up the then audience of 4 people. By the time the hacks got up, the size of the room had almost tripled. Two of the comics who went after me actually told the same joke. And the joke was so bad and the comics so tired that they were not fighting over it afterward. This was like the rest home asylum of all comedy clubs. 30 years ago it was a thriving chain. Now there was 1 club left.
The second week I started losing my mind a little. Instead of backing off, I went in harder. I was going to go on every night, straight into the fire. I had only one ace in the deck, which did not occur to me consciously at the time. I did not live in this place. Nothing I said in these places would make a difference in my personal life like it would if I did it in Los Angeles. I could say anything I want and most importantly, I could say what I mean. And I did. Every time I went on those stages.
- I set them on fire.
- I said Black people should have burnt down America when Ronald Reagan was elected.
- I talked about the dumb people who think they’re sophisticated.
- I talked about the end of American comedy, which happened a while ago.
I know there was one comic who wanted to beat me up. He was about two feet taller than me and I am sure he would have tried to kick my ass if he hadn’t been a hipster pussy with his pants all tight around the ankles, the way yuppie queers wear them trying to look more gentle and sensitive thinking it will help them attract the opposite sex. I suppose I probably talked about that too, out loud, and on more than one occasion.
What really fucked people up was at the end of each set when I would announce I was headlining the local theater if anyone wanted to come see me. Tickets are $20 and up-
One place I went where there was a full audience, I actually scared the audience completely quiet talking about race and hip hop. Then some of the amateurs who followed me tried their racial jokes witch had such failing results they made me feel better about the response I got.
So this was the Hail Mary I was throwing up to the universe in hopes some receiver would pull it down for a score in the last seconds to win the final game of the season and make the playoffs.
It is very hard to know if you are improving as a comedian when people aren’t laughing, because there is no encouraging momentum. The hardest thing about all this was that I had to walk it alone. I had nobody to talk to about it, who would understand. Nobody to pal alongside me, to witness it and at least verify for others. It was truly a solitary test.
But, unbeknown to me, I was getting funnier.
The shows ended almost all sold out. The audiences had a great time, as did I.
I made out like a bandit and the venues are calling me even as I write this to you, to book me again for next year.
Don’t get confused and think I like these horrible circumstances, that it made me stronger.
That is bullshit. If I had even one proper show to prepare with for this tour, I may have been slick enough to pull off this entire story I just told you.